Today I had the weirdest feeling, like if I just jiggled the mouse on my computer enough times, my mom's status on Googletalk would go green. How dumb is that? But still, I just WISH I could talk to her one more time. Googletalk would be OK too, or a phone call, or any darn thing.
My mom and I used to talk to each other at least once a day. I remember when she would go on trips (which was not often) I would just feel bereft that I couldn't googletalk her that day. And, I remember having a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that after she was gone, I would have to get used to never being able to check in with her again.
Well, welcome to THAT. And it SUCKS ROCKS.
When she was dying and I was losing her, I'll be codswalloped if it didn't feel like it was happening to someone else. I would show up at her house on Wednesdays, chipper as all get out, ready to watch a movie or chat, grocery shop, make her a snack, play Scrabble. Then the day came when she was counting out the Scrabble tiles and she was taking a huge pile of them. I said Mom - you only need seven tiles - what's up? And she looked at me, totally befuddled in setting up a game she adored and played her entire life. Or the day when I got there around 10:30 a.m. and she was totally convinced that it was 2:00 a.m. She kept asking me why I was at her house in the middle of the night, and not asleep at my own house with my kids.
Of course, things got worse from there, but I still felt like it wasn't actually happening to me. No longer, folks. No longer.